You're All I Ever Wanted
by rae of sunshinexx
Summary: Collab story between me and Lallyinthesky. Rachel is left heartbroken time and time again and now no one is there to pick up the pieces. All she needs is time to figure everything out but it seems fate is against her when someone comes crashing back in...
1. Chapter 1: Collecting Your Jar of Hearts

**Lallyinthesky and I are making this a collab story. This chapter is written by Rae. :D**

All she had to do was avoid the memories, as she had been for all the time before. She had mentioned his name and that was it. It was not like he was in the room when she said it. It was a simple slip, a brief moment where she finally told Finn the truth about her 'sexual promiscuity.' '_Jesse_' had fallen from her lips like nothing ever went with the name.

_But someone very important went by that name. Someone who managed to break me apart and leave me broken and in shambles. Someone who still plagues my dreams and keeps me wondering what went wrong. Someone who, when I think about it, makes the entire Finn and Santana situation that much more bearable. _

It seemed as if no one was on her side, as if the entire Glee club was against her. Including Mr. Schuester. Everyone saw her as the obnoxious diva, the selfish girl with the big voice. So then why did they pretend to like her? Why pretend to be her friend?

She supposed that this was what she needed, this level of drama to finally finish her off. First, it had been the egging, and now it would be Finn's betrayal.

Three strikes and he was out, her heart broken too much to be placed back together. First, it had been when he returned to Quinn after manipulating Rachel. Then, when he broke up with her to find his 'inner rockstar'. And now, now it was lying to her, forcing her to believe that they were something different, something special.

She turned the corner to the choir room, her head a mess from all the thoughts swirling around in it. Sitting in her usual seat was Santana, arms crossed at her chest and muttering something to Finn who was sitting beside her.

"Well, Yentel. I guess you two should talk." She stood, her pony tail bobbing behind her as she left Rachel in her wake. But Rachel didn't want to be alone with Finn. She didn't even want to look at him. "Look, Rachel-"

"No you look. Why am I never good enough for you Finn? It seems like, no matter how hard I try, the only times that I am worth your effort is when I'm with someone else."

"We weren't together Rachel!" His voice echoed throughout the empty room, her eyes narrowing at him as she hugged her binder closer to her chest. "And what about the past seven months? What about then? All those moments you could have told me. All those times when you let me go on believing that we were something special together. It's the same thing as cheating, Finn. Or at least it is to me."

Swiftly, she turned on her heals, leaving Finn to stand alone in the choir room. She was done playing his game, done pretending to be something she was not for him. "_You know I can't take one more step towards you, cause all that's waiting is regret. Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? You lost the love I loved the most._"

For over a year, Rachel Berry had loved Finn Hudson, or at least that's what she told herself. Even when she wasn't dating Finn, she pretended that he was more important to her than anyone else. But it wasn't the truth. She was torn, as she'd been from the moment he came up to her in the store. "Lionel Richie?" He had asked and she had melted before him.

Torn between two boys, one the opposite of her, a compliment to her faults. The other, her perfect match. So why did it seem that the two of them were destined to tear her heart to shreds?

"_I learned to live half a life, and now you want me one more time. Who do you think you are running leaving scars? Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart. You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. So don't come back for me, who do you think you are?" _

Rachel continued to push herself through the halls, her eyes finally landing on Finn once more. He'd come out of the choir room and was standing among his friends on the football team, all their eyes not glued upon her.

"Hey Berry, Hudson was telling us about you two. Can't say I blame him. Especially when you won't even put out. What's the point of you then? He was trying to find you before, but it seems you're like one of those gnats, always flying around." Their laughter echoed throughout the hall as she straightened, pulling herself together and breaking her gaze from his.

"We aren't done, Berry." But she had no intentions of stopping and it wasn't until one of their hands gripped her arm and forced her to turn around that she did so. The cool rush of the Slushie dripped down her face, the blue liquid staining her completely. _At least it's not eggs._

"Ah, now it's a Jew Smurf." She heard their laughter, their teasing calls but the one thing she didn't expect to hear was Finn joining in with them, his gaze locked on hers as he laughed. It didn't matter to her that his amusement didn't reach his eyes, he was still letting it happen to her. He still hadn't changed.

Quickly she ran into the bathroom, her books thrown to the ground as she began to run the warm water over her face. "_I hear you're asking all around, if I am anywhere to be found. But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms. I learned to live half a life, and now you want me one more time. Who do you think you are running around leaving scars? Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart. You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul, so don't come back for me. Who do you think you are?"_

She finished cleaning herself up, returning to her locker to drop off her now tarnished clothing before heading to the glee rehearsal for the day. She'd act as if everything was fine, as if she wasn't yearning to be home and wrapped up with _Funny Girl_ playing in the background. She'd still act like Rachel Berry.

"Does anyone have anything prepared yet for this weeks assignment?" Schue was waiting for a volunteer and Rachel would surely give him what he wanted. He nodded to her when her hand shot up, Rachel handing Brad the sheet music before letting the words fall from her lips.

"_It took so long just to feel alright. Remember how to put back the light in my eyes. I wish that I had missed the first time that we kissed cause you broke all your promises. And now you're back, you're looking to get me back. Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars? Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart. You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Don't come back for me. Don't come back at all. And who do you think you are running around leaving scars? Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart. You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Don't come back for me. Don't come back at all. Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are?_"

Rachel sang the words to Finn, her eyes drifting closed as the final lyrics fell from her lips. And it was then that Rachel let the only tears she would cry for Finn Hudson fall from her brown, doe eyes.


	2. Chapter 2: Thank You For the Music

Lally's part :D

She arrived early in the choir room the following day, straightening her skirt and preparing for the onslaught of cruel words her teammates would surely have for her. It was a relief to see that Finn was nowhere to be found—more than likely reinstating his ritual of tossing kids into dumpsters with the jocks—and Rachel approached the Glee club, chewing on her bottom lip before speaking.

"I would just like to say that while I find it admirable you all desire a chance in the spotlight, let's be honest. With Kurt gone, we have to do all we can to assure ourselves a winning spot in the competition and without me on lead vocals we can't be sure that will be the case!"

"All right look Miss Striesand wanna-be," Mercedes began, crossing her arms. "I don't know why you can never get it through your head that the rest of this club is just as good as you, but I've had enough. You're an annoying, spoiled, only child and no one likes you!" Rachel crossed her arms and stared furiously at the wall.

"But I'm talented," she argued, and several of the members groaned and rolled their eyes.

"No one cares! There, I said it!" Santana spat, and Rachel's nostrils flared. She had no desire to be in the same room as that girl, let alone be spoken to in this way, but her protests were quickly cut off by Mr. Schuester and Finn entering the room. Furiously she took her seat, glaring at Finn as he sat between Santana and Mike Chang, fist bumping the other boy.

"Okay guys," Mr. Schuester began. "I've found us a song for Mike and Brittany to dance to." He had a stack of sheet music in his hand, and Rachel's stomach turned. "For those of us who were in the original six, do you guys remember when we went to Vocal Adrenaline's invitational?" The turning sensation in Rachel's stomach increased—he had to bring up Vocal Adrenaline at a time like this. "Well I've been thinking, and their choreography was phenomenal. I'm thinking if we take a page out of their book, we'll be able to pull this off, so this year, we're doing Amy Winehouse."

"So two months ago we couldn't do Britney Spears but now it's okay to do music by a crackwhore?" Rachel spoke up, and Mr. Schuester rolled his eyes, ignoring her.

"Santana, I think it's high time you get a chance to show us your pipes," he continued, and she beamed.

"Mr. Schue, that is way cool."

"So give the whore the crackwhore song. Appropriate," Rachel mumbled.

"That's enough," Mr. Schuester warned.

"It actually wasn't an Amy Winehouse song, it was actually originally by The Zutons, a British indie band, she just covered it," Artie spoke up, and a few people glanced to him surprised before he shrank down in his wheelchair. Santana, however, smirked and turned to Rachel.

"Well now, Fiddler on the Roof, guess you don't know everything about music, now do you?" There were a few chortles, and Rachel let out a sigh and slid back in her chair while Mr. Schuester began to play out their parts on the piano. Fumbling with her necklace she glanced to Finn, who couldn't be bothered to pay her any attention. "I'm nothing special, in fact I'm a bit of a bore. If I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before. It's clear this conversation ain't doing a thing, 'cause these boys only listen to me when I sing. And I don't feel like singing tonight the same song."

That night, she sat in her bedroom, watching the recording her dads had made of her at Sectionals last year. Jesse had been right, there were parts of her performance that were flawed—there it was again. Jesse. But in the moment of this performance, she had been important, she had been leading her team to victory. "But I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing. Thanks for all the joy they're bringing. Who can live without it? I ask in all honesty. What would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me." She alone had guided New Directions to their win last year—sure, Finn had swooped in last minute and played hero, but she was the only one who'd had enough faith in the group. Music had always been the one constant in her life—the thing that no matter how much she was aching, she could turn to and pretend all was okay. Yet in this moment, her music was being ripped from her, and her shield against the world left her naked.

"The situation's always the same. You've got your wolves in their clothes whispering Hollywood's name. Stealing gold from the silver they see, but it's not me."

She walked the hallway at school that morning feeling broken. Despite all her attempts to feel accepted and wanted, Mr. Schuester and the rest of New Directions were constantly pushing her away and neglecting her ideas. Bitterly, her mind traveled back the months to when Jesse had abandoned her for Vocal Adrenaline, and to be fair, she now could completely see why. You guys were awful to me. You never accepted me, you never listened to my clearly superior ideas. He had been right—New Directions was an awful place for a star to shine. "Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing. Thanks for all the joy they're bringing. Who can live without it? I ask in all honesty. What would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me."

She sat in English Lit that day trying to come up with some way to convince the members of New Directions she wasn't a total waste of space. She had to show them just how much they needed her voice, that she couldn't be silenced. Silence…that was it! It was so simple, and dangling in front of her face the entire time! Her fathers had raised her to practice the Day of Silence in April for LGBT efforts. Her mind was racing—day of silence, NoH8… Rachel knew precisely what she had to do in order to gain the respect of New Directions. At the end of class, she calmly walked to the teacher's desk and requested a small piece of duct tape. The teacher obliged without question, and smiling politely, Rachel walked out of class and placed the tape over her mouth.

Dropping her books at her locker and attempting to ignore the bizarre looks she was cast, Rachel walked confidently (and late) into Glee rehearsal, arms folded. The club rolled their eyes and began snickering, and Mr. Schuester spoke, frustrated.

"Rachel, what are you doing?" Sighing, she removed the tape, trying her hardest not to wince as the adhesive removed the baby hair from her upper lip.

"I'm not doing anything. You've silenced my talents, I'm merely protesting." She tried to ignore the blatant stares from her teammates, but she simply couldn't bite her tongue, and she plowed forward with her statement. "My talents are wasted in this club. My star shines too bright, and I think you're threatened by it." She replaced the tape confidently, but was soon startled by a slamming noise.

"Take that off!" Mr. Schuester all but screamed as he advanced on her. "I'm tired of this Rachel," he continued, and she removed the tape for fear that he would hit her. "You have a terrible attitude, you're a lousy sport, and it is not okay anymore." Furious that he would embarrass her like this in front of the club, she stood, vehement to make her point.

"Well I'm upset. I'm furious about this…about a couple of things actually," She looked directly at Finn, who was too ashamed to return her glare. She sat, listening to Mr. Schuester's lecture and praying that she wouldn't cry again. Make the choice to be happy—that was easy enough for him to say. She quickly drowned out his words and barely noticed when Puck came in with Lauren Zises, who was apparently joining the club. "Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing. Thanks for all the joy they're bringing. Who can live without it? I ask in all honesty. What would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? I'm finding every reason to be gone, there's nothing here to hold on to. Thank you for the music, for giving it to me."

Rachel wasn't going to let someone like Finn Hudson or even Mr. Schuester stop her. She was a star, and stars only had one motto: the show must go on.


	3. Chapter 3: Is My Heart Too Broken?

**Rae's part :D **

He was standing at his locker, his tall form hard to miss in the small hall. Books were being returned while others were being taken out and it looked just as normal as it did when she would stand beside him, talking to him in the process.

And then she came. Her pony tail taunting Rachel to pull it as she turn, softly blowing a kiss to the boy that Rachel had once thought she 'loved'. But she didn't stop there. Santana continued to walk towards Rachel, her eyes focused on the smaller girl.

Quickly, Rachel looked away, trying to make her presence less obvious but for some reason, Rachel was like Santana's light and she was the moth. Whenever Rachel was somewhere, Santana seemed to always be able to find her to torture her.

"Did I tell you he bought me dinner after?" Rachel knew that she was still behind her, watching her reaction and gauging how she should proceed. But no further damage was needed. Quietly, her head rested on the wall beside her, the tears that she had promised would stop after Saturday rebuilding in her eyes.

"You okay?" A hand was on her shoulder, forcing her to turn around, and there stood Puck, his brown eyes looking concerned as they connected with her own tear filled gaze. "Why are you talking to me? Are you going to steal something from me?"

His laughed surprised her as he shook his head, "Look. After six hours in that port-a-John, Ozzy himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I promised him that if he got me out of there, I'd start being nicer to people."

There was a slight pause, Rachel staring with an awestruck expression at the boy who had been more than a friend to her once before. "Then I realized I couldn't do that. So I changed it to just Jews."

"It's Finn."

"Boyfriend troubles. I got that covered. Considering that I am usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert."

Despite everything inside her, all her heartache and tears, she smiled the first genuine smile that she'd had in days. "Walk with me?" She looked to his offered arm, and softly turned, looping her own in his. The muscles seemed different, as if they had gotten bigger. "Have you been working out? Your arms seem bigger."

"It's the steroids."

-RJRJRJRJ-

"_Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken? Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken? Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder? Why do you see right through me?_" The music played softly as Rachel sang alone, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. To someone looking in, they'd see a girl so lost in her own grief that she forgot about the happiness in her life. They'd see a teenage girl in the throws of heartbreak, a scene that many have acted out before her.

But they would all be wrong. Rachel was not pitying herself. She wasn't sitting around and feeling sorry because Finn had left her tattered and torn. She was giving herself the release she needed and that was all.

One day, one Saturday that would soon live in infamy in her mind, that's all she'd give to the idiot known as Finn Hudson. _Jesse had gotten a week. _For the third time in the last four days, her mind wandered to Jesse St. James as that was more than enough for her. She didn't need to think of him, that heartache did not need to be re-awoken.

"Rachel?" A soft knock came upon her door and silently she cursed herself for wallowing, wiping the fallen tears from her eyes. "Yes, Daddy?" Hiram Berry gently opened the door and looked upon Rachel, her eyes ever the storytellers as he saw the unshed tears still reflected in them.

But if he knew his daughter at all, she wouldn't talk to him. He had learned that in June, when a boy broke her heart. She voiced her opinions to him on everything except heartache. That was what she kept to herself.

"Dinner will be ready shortly, darling."

Rachel gave him a sad smile as he shut the door, grateful that it was her Daddy and not her Dad, who would not have been as understanding of his daughter's one day of solitude. He only wanted her to be happy and she knew that, but somedays Rachel Berry was just tired of being Rachel the star student and over-achiever and wanted nothing more than to be Rachel, the almost sixteen year old who was emotional.

-RJRJRJ-

Glee had been it's normal bashing, supposed friends calling out names and all it took was one comment from Santana, one muttering that broke her resolve and forced her to storm out with tears in her eyes. "Maybe I should take a lesson from the Vocal Adrenaline prick and use poultry to get it through your head." _There he is again._

She had ran to the only place she could consider her 'haven' in the school, the auditorium. The gleaming piano sat center stage and the empty theatre chairs taunted her. _One day, I'll have them filled. _Silently, she sunk to the bench, her fingers aimlessly playing the keys. _They'll never play as beautiful as his did. _Her mind acted on repeat and she was too tired to fight it any longer. She let the painful memories come in, let them flood her weakened resolve.

"Hey, Rachel. I've been looking for you."

"Yeah, don't bother on spying on me to get a leg up because the only solos that I am getting for sectionals are in my mind." Her gaze left the boy who had abandoned them, the one who she had started to connect with and not see as just her 'competition' and looked to the black, sleek piano before her.

"Actually, I was hoping you could help me." Her fingers clenched as her head snapped up. _Of course he'd want help, that's all anyone thinks I am good for. They just want to use me and then leave me behind. _"I've been sitting my car for over an hour waiting for Karofsky to make a Mickey-D's run. I've been invited to audition for a solo."

The smile that lit up his face forced her to drop any 'selfish' thoughts that had taken over her. Maybe Kurt was finally happy at Dalton, maybe she would finally see him as a friend. Maybe she'd finally have _somebody._

But she was still Rachel Berry. "Why should I help you? I mean, you're our competition now."

"Because, even though we hate each other, we've had our moments." _We have_, she thought with a pang. She didn't hate Kurt, she never did. She just was afraid that if he took her spotlight then she'd really have no where to turn, she'd just be the girl that was once the star. "And I could use your expertise, and no one knows how to kill a ballad quite like you. You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating."

To her, that was the best compliment that Kurt had even given her. "Considering that this may be the last chance I have to sing for a while, I'll give you a couple tips. So, what did you have in mind?"

"I've settled on Celine Dion's classic,_ My Heart Will Go On-_"

"Oh no." She gently shook her head, looking at the boy before her who had placed his iPod hook-up on the piano. "No, no, no."

"No?"

"You need something much more personal than that, I mean this is about you-" She stopped, quickly inhaling as an idea filled her. She knew his song, the one that was meant for him _even if it's my inevitability. "_Have you ever fantasized about you own funeral?"

"No."

"I do. Finn throwing himself at the grave out of grief, and all of the heartfelt speeches. And all of the regrets."

"That's insane." But didn't Kurt understand? All those years of torture and torment had pushed her to resorting to her fantasies. All the pain and anguish had pushed her to believe that maybe once she was dead, people would realize how much she was truly worth.

"Clearly no one in the glee club appreciates me. Is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am? But it being too late? And there's only one song that expresses those feelings."

She took a deep breath, her resolve beginning to fall. But she had to just start the song, she could blame her tears on the emotions it arose with the words that filled the verses and chorus, and not on the boys that it brought to her mind. "I'm sure that it's in here somewhere," she moved towards the iPod, finding it and hearing Kurt's realization at her choice.

"_It won't be easy, you'll think it strange, when I try to explain how I feel that I still need your love, after all that I've done_."

Kurt watched out of the corner of his eyes, his attention meant to be on the girl before him who was singing her heart out for his benefit. Well, it seemed it was more about the shattered pieces that her heart were in. He knew Rachel's story almost as well as his own, but he was meant to be her 'frienemy'. Not her shoulder.

Her shoulder, the one who was taking his attention away from her, was slipping in the back of the theatre trying to go unnoticed. "_You won't believe me all you will see is the girl you once knew all those she's dressed up to the nines. At sixes and sevens with you._"

A soft smile graced his lips, the anger that should have filled him vanished when he knew that she needed no one else in that moment, no one but the boy hidden in the shadows. Rachel was engrossed in her song, the lyrics leaving her lips without any notion of the men in the room with her.

"Break her again, and I won't be so sweet." Kurt whispered as he slipped out without Rachel's knowledge, stopping to talk to their visitor before quietly leaving the auditorium.

"_I had to let it happen, I had to change. Couldn't stay all my life down that hill, looking out of the window, staying out of the sun."_ She looked different, thinner, he noted as he took in her bangs and how her collarbone jutted out more prominently than before. A necklace hung loosely from her neck and when the light glinted upon it in just the right angle, he could make out what looked like two n's at the end. _Finn, _he thought with a pang, tearing his eyes from it. _I'd never let her wear anything like that if I were him._

"_So I chose freedom, running around, trying everything new but nothing impressed me at all. I never expected it to. Don't cry for me Argentina. The truth is I never left you. All through my wild days, my mad existence, I kept my promise. Don't keep your distance. Don't cry for me Argentina, the truth is I never left you. All through my wild days, my mad existence, I kept my promise. Don't keep your distance. Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think of to say to you. But all you have to do is look at me to know that every word is true._"

"Well, it's not a sold out crowd so, I still believe that _one _day you'll be singing that in _Evita_." Rachel screamed slightly as she turned sharply, Kurt nowhere to be found and a different man taking his place. She knew the voice the moment 'Well' resounded through the then silent room. It's melodic quality that used to send shivers down her spine. Well, if she was being honest with herself, _still_ sent them rattling her to her core.

"Jesse, what are you doing here?"

**:DDDDDDDD**

**Okay, so, as usual, review. No one is reviewing this story and it's making me sad. So, get on that. :D**


	4. Chapter 4: Had Some Trouble With Herself

**Lally's Chapter:D**

He'd watched Hummel Mission Impossible his way into the school with confusion—when did he transfer? And, from what he could tell, to Dalton Academy—he never would have pegged the kid as someone who could afford it. Jesse recalled briefly a time when he'd considered transferring there—the Warblers were one of the most revered a capella groups in the state—but Jesse's heart had always lied with Vocal Adrenaline. He gave Kurt a few minutes to make his entrance, and then followed quickly behind. He wasn't worried—if anyone asked why he was there, he had to pick up transcripts from his brief stint as a student. It was strange, being in the halls of a high school again, but Jesse couldn't afford to look back now. He snuck quickly through a side door, through the wings of the auditorium but lingered, listening to voices on the stage. He'd been so confident about this, so sure, but hearing her speak again made his stomach turn. He was fully aware she hated him—who couldn't, really, after what he had done—but something about being back in Ohio made him desire, no, need to go see her again, to make sure she was okay.

"Have you ever fantasized about your own funeral?" he heard her say, and he smiled. Always with the dramatics, that one, he couldn't be surprised. "I do. Finn throwing himself at the grave out of grief…"

Jesse's blood boiled irrationally. He should have assumed she still cared about the boy, she always had. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew he'd always come second in her mind, second to that blundering baboon, and Jesse never came in second for anything. Was that the real reason he'd chose to hurt her so badly when he left? Even he couldn't be one hundred percent certain—he was never one hundred percent certain about anything he did.

"Clearly no one in the glee club appreciates me," he heard her say, and his nostrils flared; more than anything else, Rachel Berry deserved to be appreciated for her talents. "Is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am but it being too late? And there's only one song that expresses those feelings." He heard muffled shuffling on the stage, and finally, an orchestral introduction filled the theatre.

If Jesse had been angry before, he was filled with pure fury and shock as he immediately recognized the melody. No, he thought. Rachel, you can't have sunk this far. You used to sing this song and think about hope, about your passion. Now you're singing it about heartache? Jesse had more than half a mind to hunt Hudson down and strangle him for whatever he'd done to Rachel, but he knew that it wasn't advisable for a, in every sense of the word, adult male to murder a high school student, and that was one web Jesse didn't think he could detangle himself from.

He carefully advanced through the shadows, praying the stage lights didn't reflect off his leather jacket. Jesse's eyes were fixated on Rachel, and he hardly dared breathe for fear he would be overheard. She was skinnier—dangerously skinny, in fact, and he could make out the name on the necklace that gleamed in the lights of the stage.

Seething with some kind of mad feeling—was it jealousy? He was never totally positive of what that felt like, but he had to assume it was something close to this. He watched as Kurt left the stage, silently removing the iPod and dock, but Rachel was so far lost in the music and her emotions that she couldn't be bothered to notice. Jesse tried to conceal himself behind the curtain as the tiny boy approached, but it was too late.

"Break her again, and I won't be so sweet," he warned, and Jesse smirked. Was that his intention, to break her again? He wasn't even positive as to what his intention had originally been, but whatever it was, that had all changed with one simple song. To know that her song, her inevitability, was now the song she turned to to express sorrow and anguish? It was unthinkable. She finished the song, and he sucked in a breath as he acknowledged the fresh tears forming in her eyes. Licking his lips, he stepped forward from his hiding place, and without thinking, spoke.

"Well, it's not a sold out crowd, so I still believe that one day you'll be singing that in Evita." It wasn't the most clever of openings, nor was it the most well thought out, but he wasn't sure she'd even heard it as the moment the first syllable had escaped his lips, she had shrieked.

"Jesse, what are you doing here?" she asked, sheer panic flooding through her face. What was he doing here? Especially now, especially after seeing that?

"Nice to see you too," he said coolly, but winced, realizing it wasn't the best thing to say at a time like this.

"Jesse, if you don't have anything necessary to say, can you please leave?" She's lamenting, he thought, smirking.

"It's nice to see you," he stepped forward, closing the gap between them and causing her to cross her arms uncomfortably. "Good to see Hudson's got his hold on you. Christ, Rachel, it's like a dog collar," Jesse spat. She unconsciously touched the necklace, but then snapped her arm back down, rolling her eyes.

"What do you want, Jesse?" she asked him. He shrugged, licking his lips.

"I wanted to see you," he said, and he wasn't lying anymore. "But really, Rachel, singing 'Argentina' about your imminent death? What happened to your inevitability," he purred the word, "Your dreams?"

"Well Jesse, some of my dreams came to a screeching halt," she snapped, and then sighed. "Finn had sex with Santana." She wasn't sure why she told him, she just felt like she needed to tell someone who might actually sympathize.

"He cheated on you?" Jesse's knuckles went white. If he hadn't had a reason to murder the kid before, they were certainly stacking up now.

"No," she sighed, returning to the piano bench. "It was when we…he and I weren't together," she explained, and Jesse's thirst for blood subdued slightly…just slightly. "He told me he couldn't go through with it, but I guess he actually did," she looked at the floor, upset. "I'm just hurt that he would lie to me, you know?"

"He should have told you. I've always thought he was an…idiot," Jesse chose the kinder of the words piled up in his head. "So you're broken up?" he smirked.

"No," Rachel snapped defensively. "We're just…fighting," she explained, and Jesse raised an eyebrow.

"You know Rachel, fighting never leads to anything positive—"

"Oh shut it Jesse," she snapped, crossing her arms. Jesse laughed and leaned on the piano.

"Sorry, sorry. Although I must say, I find your resentment delicious." He ran his tongue along his upper teeth and clicked. "So I take it you're going to get back at him?"

"What?" Rachel asked, looking up, puzzled.

"Oh come on Rachel. He hurt you; you have to hurt him. That's just the way a relationship works," Jesse said deviously. True, he was being selfish, but it wouldn't take Rachel long to see through him.

"That's very healthy, Jesse," Rachel glared, but she chewed on her bottom lip for just a moment.

"Look Rachel, you know exactly how I feel about Finn Hudson. That toerag doesn't deserve a second of your time, and this proves it. You have to make him feel just as lousy as he made you feel—"

"You're one to talk, Jesse St. James!" Rachel scowled, but Jesse stepped forward a few feet so he was standing over her at the piano bench.

"It's not something I'm proud of," he proclaimed, and Rachel shifted.

"It doesn't make it okay…" she argued feebily.

"You know how angry it would make Finn if he found out you were with me?" Jesse smirked, and Rachel stared diligently at the wooden stage floor.

"He's not going to know you were here," she explained, and Jesse grinned.

"No I mean, you were with me," he purred, and Rachel broke her gaze to meet his eyes.

"What are you talking about?" she questioned, eyes wide.

"I mean you need to stand up to him, Rachel. Show him he doesn't own you," Jesse stood, inches before her, waiting, allowing her to make the move.

"I…" she began, staring up at him. Suddenly, something seemed to snap, and she backed away from the piano bench quickly.

"No…no. I can't. You're wrong, Jesse. Getting even can only make things worse. I'm sorry…I've got to go." Without another word, but with a noise that sounded like a choking sob, Rachel was gone. Jesse collapsed onto the piano bench in her spot, furious. I am a douche, he thought irritably, and ran his fingers gingerly over the keys she had been touching just a handful of moments before.

"_Beauty queen of only sixteen, she had some trouble with herself. He was always there to help her, she always belonged to someone else. I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door. I've had you so many times but somehow, I want more._"

Jesse hadn't admitted it, but he'd left California. For good. He hated it there—no one appreciated his talent, and he was a nobody, just like everyone else. He needed to come back to Ohio, he needed to come back to where he was appreciated and needed. And on his drive back home he'd realized just what he needed—he needed Rachel Berry. He knew he should have followed her—should have chased after and told her everything he was feeling and thinking, but that wasn't Jesse St. James—he couldn't just set his feelings out in the open like that.

"_I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. And she will be loved, she will be loved. Tap on my window, knock on my door. I want to make you feel beautiful. I know I tend to get so insecure, doesn't matter anymore. It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along. My heart is full and my door's always open, you come anytime you want_."

He drove to her house that night with every intention of telling her the truth. He had to let her know how he was feeling—had to let her know he was still crazy about her-but he was sure any arguing and protesting he did would do him little good: she thought he was scum. Jesse waited, prayed for any excuse to go up to her door and say hello, but it never came, and finally he drove away, furious with himself. "_I don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. And she will be loved, she will be loved. She will be loved, she will be loved_."

If Rachel cared about Finn, Jesse knew that he should have let it go and let Rachel be happy. But the thing was, Jesse knew Rachel—and she hated being with Finn, even though she couldn't recognize it yet. Finn tied her down, Finn was like the chains of Marley's ghost, and it would take a miracle for her to let him go. Jesse hated the way Rachel looked when Finn made her feel down, and frankly, someone like Finn didn't deserve someone as kind, talented, and wonderful as Rachel. "I know where you hide, alone in your car. Know all of the things that make you who you are. I know that goodbye means nothing at all, comes back and makes me catch her every time she falls. Tap on my window, knock on my door. I want to make you feel beautiful."

It had never been over for Jesse. It still wasn't.

-JRJRJRJRJRJRJ-

Rachel waited uncomfortably outside the locker room that day. She hadn't meant to take what Jesse had said to heart, she really hadn't—but the idea of making Finn feel as lousy as she did was making her confidence grow in such a way that she had to do something.

He walked out of the room at a brisk pace, and Rachel had to practically jog to catch up with him.

"Noah," she called, and he halted almost immediately.

"'Sup Rach?" he asked, his gym bag precariously on his shoulder.

"I was just curious as to if you would like to join me this evening for some…um…studying," she finished, smiling politely, her heart racing. What was she doing? If she hadn't been ready to give it up to the man she loved, why was she doing this now?

"Rachel the only class we have together is Glee."

"That's okay!" Rachel explained, chewing on her bottom lip. "We can just…study. Things. Together." This wasn't going at all how she had hoped.

"Uh, okay?" Puck shrugged. "You want a ride?"

"That would be lovely Noah, thank you," she smiled, taking his arm and following him out to the dented pick up truck in the junior lot.

Her nails clutched the fake pleather seats as Puck sped to her house, riding on the break as they skidded to a halt in front of her driveway. She'd known her fathers wouldn't be home—that was the entire point of this little excursion—but it still made her heart race.

"Can I get you anything Noah?" she asked as they entered the house, and he shrugged.

"Nah, not unless you've got some brewskies." Rachel blinked for a moment, and Puck frowned. "Beer?"

"Oh! Oh no, we don't carry that in the house, I'm sorry," she was flustered again, and Puck grinned.

"Chill Rach. I'm just glad to be here with you." It was strange, he sounded almost genuine—but no. No feelings could be involved in this; it was strictly professional. She led him up to her room, and as he slung his bag over her desk chair, she closed the door, leaning up against it and closing her eyes in silent prayer. Finally, she swallowed hard, and stepped forward.

"Noah, I would like to make love to you."

He blinked a few times, then tilted his head in confusion.

"Make love…as in like, bone?" Rachel shifted uncomfortably, and then nodded.

"Yes. I'm ready to take that step, and since you're somewhat of an…um…expert on the subject and you told me the other day that if I ever needed anything at all you were just a phone call away—"

"Rachel, do you really think I'd ever turn down sex?" Puck asked, grinning. "I'm just surprised you're willing to do this kind of thing to Finn…I mean that's kind of low, even for you." Rachel narrowed her gaze, but said nothing. Puck stepped forward, taking her hand and leading her towards her bed. "It's a lot more comfortable if you're lying down," he joked, and softly helped her to reach her pillow.

Kisses with Puck were different—rougher, for sure, but he also seemed to care more about how she felt and not about what he was getting out of it. She hiccupped as his hand started to slide under her sweater, but she resisted the urge to push him away—she would go through with this.

"You good?" he asked, and she nodded feebly. His hand was inches away from her breast, and she knew she was shaking. Puck continued that extra inch, grazing, and Rachel squirmed.

"Jesus," Puck cried, retracting, and Rachel sat up.

"What? What is it?"

"I think you bit me!" he explained, and Rachel reddened.

'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." she was mortified, but after a moment, Puck shook his head.

"I'm not bleeding, it was just…weird. Sorry," he leaned forward and continued to kiss her, placing a hand on her thigh and continuing to kiss her. She felt cold inside—frozen even, but she gave herself over, kissing back and allowing Puck to roam wherever he felt. Out of nowhere, her mind went to Jesse—what it would have been like if she'd accepted his offer yesterday, if they could get back together—and her kisses became hard and rigid. Suddenly, Puck stopped, his eyes draped with fear.

"Is something wrong? Did I bite you again?" Rachel worried. Only she could manage to screw up making out.

"I did this to Finn once before. I can't do it again." Of course Puck would think her hesitation was over Finn—I mean, it was…er…it should have been. But for some reason, the only person she could keep her mind on was Jesse. Seeing him in that auditorium had ripped open wounds Rachel hadn't even known existed. "I'm sorry, I have to go," Puck said, jumping up, gathering his backpack, and bolting for the door. She let out a frustrated sigh and threw her head back on the pillow. Maybe she was Rachel Berry, doomed to be forever alone, doomed to be emotionally devastated by every guy she even dared put a little trust in.

"_Learn to be lonely…learn how to love life that is lived alone_."


	5. Chapter 5: Fooling Myself

**Rae's part.**

Rachel's hand shook as she reached for the phone, her mind racing as she scrolled through her contacts to the number she never deleted. Santana's voice still filled her mind every time she saw it. It should have been gone the moment he left her standing alone, but some part of her wanted to preserve the memories they shared and, for some reason, she found it easier if his number was still saved under 'Jesse3'.

"Hello?" His voice was groggy as she listened to him speak, a sad smile forming upon her lips. "Jesse? It's Rachel...Can-can you come over?"

-JRJRJRJRJRJRJR-

Never had she been more grateful to her fathers for being out of town. Never. If they ever discovered how weak their beautiful, strong, brave daughter had become, they'd think they had failed. It was horrible, she realized in that moment, how dependent she had become on the opposite sex.

It used to be different, _she_ used to be different. She could remember a time where she had said that her dreams were more important than a boy, when had that changed?

_You know exactly when it changed, Rachel. The moment you realized no one would love you as you were. The moment that egg was smashed onto your forehead._

She shuddered as she shook the thought from her mind, the doorbell ringing sending her crashing back to reality and back to what she was about to do. Puck had been her leveling tool, the one she knew would hurt Finn the most while getting her revenge with Jesse in the same instance. But now, she had to turn to the boy she wanted to rid from her life, the one who still kept coming back.

She would let Jesse finish what he had started all those months ago because maybe, just maybe, then she'd feel whole again.

"Hey."

"Hi."

Rachel stood in the doorway, having taken the stairs two at a time to get to him. It must have been the masochistic part of her brain that liked these moments, this torture that she continually made herself the subject of.

"Are you going to invite me in or did you just ask me to come over to stand in the doorway?"

With a gentle laugh and swift motion for him to enter, Rachel watched as Jesse crossed the threshold to her house for the first time in months. His jeans clung dangerously to his legs, just as the dark t-shit he was wearing did to his torso. Her eyes wandering over his body as if she had a right to it. _I once did._

"Let's go upstairs." Her voice trembled as she spoke, the nerves that had begun to take over her with Noah reforming as she watched Jesse ascend her staircase to her bedroom.

Swiftly, the door shut behind her and she moved towards the bed, motioning for him to join her. "I want to give you a chance, Jesse. I want to let you explain."

"I already told you that it's not something I'm proud of..." Oh, she should have known it wouldn't be easy. "What else do you expect? For me to tell you that I regret it? You know that I wish it could have been different but I wouldn't change it Rachel. You should understand that."

"And I do," she muttered as she looked to her hands. "I understand it better than anyone. I guess...I guess I just thought that I had meant something to you...that somewhere-"

But she was silenced when the warmth of his hand brought her chin up, turning her to face him. "You did, Rachel. You meant a Hell of a lot. Don't let your dramatics make you forget that."

That was the first moment that she let her gaze wander. She'd kept her eyes trained on him as he spoke, to afraid of how she would react if she looked anywhere else.

If the brown of her eyes fell upon the curls atop his head, those magical things that seemed to have an unnatural hold upon her, she might be tempted to cautiously run her hand through them, as she had done so often in those fleeting weeks they had spent together.

If her look wandered to the tightness of his sleeves, falling upon that of the muscles in his arm, she might tentatively lay her hand upon them to see just how much they had changed since they had last held her.

And finally, the one place she knew she couldn't look, was the one that she instantly turned to involuntarily. Swiftly her eyes moved from that of his blue-green gaze to the rosy pink of his lips. Those talented lips that let precious words fall from them gracefully, the lips that taunted her dreams for they knew wonders and sent her mind reeling when they were meshed with her own.

Jesse seemed to be having the same debate she was.

She watched as he took in her hair, his hand twitching at his side as if he wanted to move it. His tongue, gently licking his lips as his eyes fell upon hers and then the decision was no longer hers to make. It was not her choice, anymore, if she wanted to close the tiny gap that was still between them for Jesse reached forward, hands gently being placed on either side of her face as he brought her lips to his own.

Rachel took the initiative when Jesse tried to pull away, laying back onto the bed and pulling him towards her.

Reacquainting herself with his touch, with the feel of his lips was something that Rachel never thought would be a problem. In all honesty, she never thought she'd have the chance to do so. But now that she had been presented with this opportunity, she let herself map out every inch of him and commit it to memory.

She took notice of how he held himself up on his hands, too afraid of crushing her to let the length of him envelop her tiny form.

The way his lips molded to hers, his tongue begging for entry as she finally relented and opened her mouth to grant him his request. It all went straight into her memories to be stored for when these precious moments were no more.

And then, the realization that her hesitations were gone, that the fear she held with Puck was no longer present, sent her into a fit of desire. Suddenly, she wanted nothing more that to see every inch of his body, to prove her darker thoughts correct as she gaze at his nude form.

So, when she went for Jesse's shirt, when she began tugging it over his head, she was shocked to find him pulling away.

"Rachel, are you sure? I-"

But she silenced him once more with her lips, trying her hardest to resume what they had started by letting her hands wander to the hem of his t-shirt. "Rachel."

His voice was confident as he spoke, hands wrapping around her wrists and halting her motions. "Why are you doing this?"

She didn't understand the sudden rush that overcame her, the tears that pooled in her eyes shocking her as she turned away from him. Shame. That's what it was, the insufferable nuisance that only took her over when she was caught in the act of something wrong.

Shame. And shame was what forced her to be honest, not only with herself but with the boy who had broken her. "I-I was trying to do what you said. I was trying to find a way to get back at Finn so...I asked Puck over. I knew that if anything would hurt him, it would be Puck...And then he denied me, he said he couldn't do it and so...I'm sorry Jesse, I just felt so alone and...and _unwanted_..."

"So, you figured you'd just use me?"

The pain in his voice brought Rachel crashing to the realization that she had, yet again, put Finn and Puck before Jesse. She had bruised his ego, just as before, and if she knew anything about him, she knew that he didn't take kindly to a 'bruise' such as this.

"Jesse, I didn't mean it like that...I just...I knew that you'd be here for me and that-"

"Don't, Rachel."

Silently, he moved away from her, placing his head in his hands as he looked to the carpet beneath his feet. A war raged within her mind as she tried to reach out to him, too afraid of how he would react to her touch.

"_Come on, you can talk to me. Come on, I'm ready to receive._" When she was met with silence, she let the part of her brain that told her to move to him win out. Quietly, she shifted on the bed, sitting beside him as she placed her hand on his forearm.

"_I can't always read your mind. And your words are all one of a kind. Oh, lately I feel like I'm fooling myself. Either that or I'm fooling everyone else._"

He let out a bitter laugh and Rachel had to keep herself from cringing, letting the lyrics hide the pain that was being inflicted upon her by her own guilt. _"Lately, I feel like a piece of my soul is hanging around for everyone to hold. Lately, it's hard just to let it all go but it's going, going, going_" and before she could continue, he stood, walking out of the room without another word. And with a strangled sob, Rachel finished the phrase "_right out my door."_

Something overcame her suddenly, an instance of bravery and determination as she rushed after him. "So you're just going to leave? You are just going to walk away from me again? God, Jesse. I never pegged you for being predictable."

She swiftly made her way down the stairs, moving towards his, now, torn form. "_Come on, try to smile for me. Open, open, try to breathe. With your face like a sad china doll, you've been hiding your heart from it all._" Her hand found his cheek as she sang, letting her words go directly to him.

She needed him to be on her side. She needed him to be with her and it took her using him just as he used her, for her to realize it.

"_Lately, I feel like I'm fooling myself. Either that or I'm fooling everyone else. Lately, I feel like a piece of my soul is hanging around for everyone to hold. Lately, it's hard just to let it all go-_"

"Then maybe you shouldn't push everyone away." He whispered, the ice in his voice forcing a chill down Rachel's spine. She looked to him as he stepped away from her, his retreating form all she saw before the white of the closed door took over view, the tears falling freely down her cheeks.

"_But now it's going, going, going right out of my door._"

-JRJRJRJRRJRJRJR-

"Then go down to the 7-11 and get some because I NEED Raisinettes!"

"Carb loading?"

Rachel tore her gaze from the unhelpful clerk at the Sectionals snack bar to a boy she hadn't expected to see for quite some time. Beside her stood Kurt Hummel, smiling that innocent grin of his as he gazed upon her.

She rolled her eyes as she turned to completely face him. "Puck got Lauren Zizes to take your place and she won't go on unless she gets her damn candy!"

Rachel stopped and calmed herself, throwing her hands in the air as she spoke. "She's a warm body...Hey, did you, uh, get your solo?"

"Sadly, no." She watched the fake smile take form on his face. He was never as good as she was at a showface. "Oh wow, if you didn't get a solo then they must be really good. We are doomed...Sorry, that was selfish. What I meant to say was wow, that really sucks. I'm sure you were really good."

"I was...I mean, I think I was. Being in the Warblers has really made me question everything I thought about myself."

That was the one thought that she never would cross Kurt's mind. Doubting who he was? He had been one of the most confident people, someone that Rachel, and she'd deny it if anyone asked, looked up to for his bravery.

And now? "God, what has become of us Kurt?" She turned to the chair behind her, making herself comfortable. "So, do you miss us?"

"I do. I mean, being a Warbler is great, I just don't think they appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did. And I can't help but think that I let you guys down."

"It's your life, Kurt, and you weren't safe at McKinley anymore and we get it." She looked up to find him smirking at her.

"How come you were never this nice to me when I was your team mate?"

"Because you were my only real competition." Their laughter filled the busy lobby, the two newly formed friends sharing a moment of honesty with each other. Rachel knew that Kurt was better off at Dalton, but that didn't mean he was happy there and she knew that he could see right through her, that he knew of her struggles.

She smiled as she stood up, hugging the taller, thin boy before her. Something made her realize in that instance that maybe she wasn't alone, maybe there were people who were still on her side.

"So how's Finn? I feel bad, I haven't spoken to him since the wedding." _Well, it was too good to be true._

"I-I really haven't talked to him that much either...I found out that he and Santana were romantically involved and he lied to me about it."

"Wait, you didn't know about that?" Six words, that's all it took. Her world that seemed so fragile as it was, crashed around her. People knew? Her _team mate_ knew and didn't tell her?

She didn't even notice Kurt leave, the shock masking over her as she sat alone in the emptying lobby. Alone, it was a word that Rachel began to loathe.

-JRJRJRJRJRJRJR-

"And now, for our second performance of the program, from Dalton Academy in Westerville, the Warblers."

Applause filled the auditorium as the beat to _Hey Soul Sister_ began to leave the lips of the basses and the tenors of the group. Their acapella version of the overplayed song was forcing Rachel's nerves to rise. "_I remember when I used to get nervous."_

She cringed at the thought, the memory of the night that Jesse walked out of her house bringing back the pain she had continued to bury. She hadn't seen him since, hadn't even gotten a response from her numerous text messages that she sent him. It was as if he was trying to rid her of his life.

Her attention was brought to the stage when the dark haired lead took center, the boys dancing around him and quickly, she searched for Kurt. He was swaying in the front row, his showface just as it had always been, mediocre. Quickly, she smiled, meeting his gaze and pointing to her face until her mock smirk became an honest one. He kept to the beat and sang as he was meant to but somewhere deep down in her, Rachel knew that it wasn't where he was meant to be. Kurt was supposed to shine, not _sway in the background_.

But nonetheless, when the song came to a close, Rachel found herself standing with tears in her eyes, clapping as if her life depended on it.

-JRJRJRJRJRJRJR-

The constant ringing sent her further and further into her nerves, her hand shaking as she slammed her bejeweled phone shut. She was going through with it, she'd have to. But she could have loved some encouraging words.

Pushing her way through the crowd that had formed in the lobby, she entered the Green Room and went straight for the man who had sent everything in a tail spin, Finn Hudson. "You told Kurt?"

"I don't remember. Maybe?"

Mercedes spoke up on the other side of the room, Rachel's head wiping towards her. "About Finn and Santana? No, I think I told him."

"Well, who told you?"

"Me." Quinn spoke up, her hand linked with Sam's. It seemed that the entire room became alert, everyone calling out how they had heard about Finn and Santana, alerting Rachel of the fact that everyone knew. Everyone but her.

"Everybody knew about this but me?"

"Pretty much." Tina, a girl that Rachel had assumed was her friend spoke. Her eyes rolling, however, was what sent a pang through Rachel.

"No one tells you anything because A. You're a blabber mouth and B. We just all pretend to like you."

"That's not true, I kind of like her."

It didn't matter what Santana or Puck said at that point. It didn't matter that the tears were fighting with her eyes, that her hands upon her hips where grasping so tight that she knew there'd be bruising later on. None of it mattered because all she could think of was that word again, the one that seemed to stalk her. Alone.

"Look, Rachel, when this all happened, you were dating another guy so you don't really have a right to be pissed at me about it okay?" _I don't have a right?_ Finn seemed to forget that he had lied to Rachel. She had thought that their relationship was something special, that they could share something special together. But no, it was all just a lie, a fantasy that she'd created in her head.

"And fine, I lied about it but to be honest, that isn't what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all."

And that was her breaking point. Didn't he know her enough, after all this time, to know that that was the most important factor of it all? Didn't he understand her self-consciousness? _No. It's only about Finn and how he feels._ "Oh come on! Who are you right now? You know what? You guys are going to have to find someone else to mindless harmonize in the background because I'm not going on stage with him!"

Her voice cracked as she spoke and she had to compose herself before the entire room saw her display of emotions. _Not that they would care. _And as she turned away, she listened as her team broke down. Artie bowed out, followed by Tina.

"Enough!" Schuester's voice echoed through the room and Rachel clinched her fists at her side as she turned to face him. It seemed to be a new teaching strategy of his. Deny Rachel of solos and then scream at her to further her embarrassment.

"Listen to yourselves! I'm ashamed of you. Think back to where you were this time last year. In this room, no set list, no choreography, no chance in Hell of winning...but you did win because you did it together. Look, I don't care if you guys hate each other. All I want is for you guys to go out there and sing together. Get up there and for six minutes remind yourselves that you're not alone."

_But I am alone. _

-JRJRJRJR-

A tie? Never did she think that they would actually chose two teams for first place. It was both exciting and heartbreaking at the same time. _Guess we weren't good enough to get first place and beat everyone else._

All of her strength, everything that made her Rachel Berry, seemed to diminish, forcing her to change. This new girl that was forming was weak and needy but it's all Rachel could be. It was as if the star she was once, the one that had shone so brightly, was now gone, leaving only a black hole in its departure.

She stood in the choir room, trying to un-crease the non-existent marks on her blue dress. _There are those damn nerves again._

"Rachel? Can I talk to you?" Finn's voice rang out, the rest of the club moving towards the door as she looked to the tall boy before her. "Yeah, of course Finn."

They started making their way down the hall together, turning to the stairs when Rachel decided to finally speak. "When we started glee club, I told Mr. Schuester that being apart of something special makes you special. And, I don't know, I guess I think I lost that somewhere along the way. But...winning, that way at sectionals, really reminded me of it."

For the first time since she'd agreed to talk to him, Rachel turned to look at Finn, a small smile forming on her lips. _Maybe everything can just go back to the way it was. Maybe I can pretend to be happy again._

"Are we apart of something special?" She stopped to look at him, her brow furrowing as that smirk that always seemed to cross his lips appeared. "You and me?"

She looked down to her Mary Jane clad feet, scrutinizing every detail. Did she want to go back to being the woman at the side of Finn? The one who had changed so drastically from the girl she was sophomore year? The girl she was when she was with Jesse? _He doesn't want you anymore, not after what you did. Finn is better than being alone._

"Yes," she said hesitantly, keeping a small bit of distance from Finn.

"I love you."

_And now, the acting begins._ She took a deep breath as she wrapped her arms around him, closing her eyes to stop the tears from forming. She could do this, she could be strong. It was what she wanted after all, wasn't it?

"No more lying." _Crap._ "Ever."

"There's something I, uh, need to tell you." She adverted her gaze, grabbing hold of his hand and pulling him into an abandoned hallway. _No more lying? Fine. Here goes nothing._

"Last week, when we were fighting, I was so mad at you and I was so hurt that I wanted to make you feel as bad as I felt. At first, I thought of singing like I did when you broke up with me last year. I thought I'd vent my frustrations out through song but then, when I was helping Kurt with his solo, Jesse showed up. And I just got so frustrated with him that I took his suggestion, I took what he was telling me to do...how to hurt you, and I used it against both of you. I-I asked Puck to come over."

Finn's gaze was taking in her every move and it caused her to speak as quickly as she could, getting everything off her chest before she stopped herself. "And we started kissing Finn, that's all. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me...I had originally wanted to...but then he stopped. Puck said he couldn't go through with it and he left..."

_But there's more._ She watched his anger boil in the brown eyes that seemed to penetrate her and if she didn't hurry, she wouldn't tell him the rest. The part that pained her, even then, to say. "And so...I called Jesse. I felt so alone and unwanted and I turned to him because, apart from you, he's the only other boy that I truly cared for...Finn, we only kissed but-I'm sorry. I promise that it will never happen again."

"I knew you were a lot of things Rachel and I loved you because of and in-spite of all of them. But I never thought you were mean."

"I'm saying that I'm sorry and doesn't what you did with Santana kind of cancel this out?"

"We weren't together!" Rachel had a strong urge to slap him, to force him to see every wrong he's ever committed towards her. They weren't together but that didn't stop him from singing a song to the entire glee club about how he wanted her, even though she was dating Jesse. They weren't together but that didn't stop him from trying every chance he could to express how he felt towards her. So if he felt so deeply for her, how did he manage to sleep with Santana so easily?

"I didn't cheat on you! How could you do this to me?"

"It was a mistake! Maybe we should go to another counseling session with Ms. Pillsbury." The tears were filling her gaze and it was getting hard to see. She tried to look away but it was as if every second she was silent, he was criticizing her internally.

"You can't have couples counseling if you're not a couple." He started to walk away from her, turning his back to her now livid form.

"You're breaking up with me?"

"What you did was really bad, Rachel. And you _knew _how sensitive I'd be about this after Quinn! And not to mention that you brought _him _into it! After everything he did to you!"

He turned again, starting to make his way down the hall, but she wasn't finished. He had made her a promise, told her that she'd never be alone. "You said you'd _never_ break up with me!" She pointed her finger at him, the quivering, accusing point wavering when he turned to look at her.

"I never thought you'd make me feel like this." The bell rang around her, everyone in the hall disappearing into their respective classes and Rachel put her head in her hands and finally cried.

"_Long ago, in someone else's lifetime, someone with my name, who looked a lot like me, came to know a man and made a promise, he only had to say and that's where she would be._" The words fell from her lips as she swiftly made her way through the halls, ignoring her next class and going to her only haven, the auditorium.

"_Lately, although the feelings run just as deep, the promise she has made has grown impossible to keep._" Honesty. It was meant to be a good thing but for Rachel, it seemed to be working against her. Why be honest if the only thing you feel from it is pain?

"_And yet, I wish it wasn't so. Will he miss me if I go?_" Rachel knew the answer, and she knew that, if she were being truly truthful, she had given up her promise to Finn the moment Jesse St. James walked back through her door.

"_In a way, it's someone else's story. I don't see myself as taking part at all. Yesterday, a girl that I was fond of, finally could see the writing on the wall. Sadly, she realized, she'd left him behind. Sadder than that, she knew he wouldn't even mind. And though, there's nothing left to say, would he listen if I stay?_"

Two men, tearing at her heart strings. The one that she thought truly loved her and would take her no matter what she had done, just left her alone in the hall with an empty feeling inside her. The other, wanted nothing to do with her after she continually used him.

Could she truly blame them? No, she couldn't, because she had treated Jesse just as Finn had treated her. And Jesse deserved so much more than that.

"_It's all very well, to say 'You fool, it's now or never.' I could be choosing, no choices what so ever. I could be in someone else's story, someone else's life. And he could be in mine. I don't see, the reason to be lonely. I could take my chances further down the line. And if that girl, at home, should ask my advice. I wouldn't hesitate, she needn't asked me twice. Go now, I tell her that for free. Trouble is, the girl is me. The story of the girl is me."_

She stood, tears streaming down her face at the lip of the stage, the lights burning down upon her like the gazes of all those she wrong. "God, why am I so pathetic? I let him change me so much. I let him cloud my judgement to the point where I hurt people who actually could have made me happy. I let him get to me so badly that I ruined everything with Jesse..."

"Well, you always did have a knack for letting people get to you." She, once again, screamed as she turned to find Jesse standing in the shadows of the theatre, leaning against the proscenium.

"You like hanging out in the dark back there, don't you?" He gave her that throaty laugh that she loved, stepping out of the darkness to look at her. _We've been here before. _It was as if history had a way of repeating itself. She hurt him and he came back after a week away, her '_drama_' being the tying factor.

"Rachel-"

"No, look. Not right now. I know that you've given up on me, that message was perfectly clear with your lack of response. But now, is not the time. I-"

"I saw you and Finn in the hallway, Rachel. I know that you don't need to listen to me chastise or whatever the Hell else you think I'm here to do but-"

"Stop!" She cried out as she turned away from him, her knees buckling beneath her as she fell to the stage. She couldn't take it, she couldn't handle another man who she once loved berating her. She couldn't take the loneliness.

"_Without you, the ground thaws. The rain falls, the grass grows. Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you._" Jesse's voice filled the theatre around her and she gave him a strangled laugh, her gaze locked on her hands.

"I never pegged you as a Mimi."

"_The earth turns, the sun burns. But I die, without you._" He walked towards her, crouching down in front of her as he gently took his thumb to wipe the tears that had fallen from her cheeks.

"_Without you, the breeze warms. The girl smiles, the crowd moves. Without you, the tides change. The boys run, the oceans crash. The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you. The moon glows, the river flows but I die, without you."_

Rachel looked up to him then, his eyes intently upon her as he continued to sing. And it took everything in her not to break when she joined in with him. "_The world revived."_

"_Colors renewed."_

"_But I know blue, only blue. Lonely, blue."_ Their voices mended perfectly, as they had done when they first sang _Hello_. And the only part of her heart that she hadn't let break, shattered within her empty form.

"_Lonely blue. Without you. Without you, the hands gropes. The ear hears, the pulse beats."_

She sighed before taking over, letting her hand fall upon that of Jesse's which was currently resting on her cheek. "_Without you, the eyes gaze. The legs walk, the lungs breathe. The mind churns."_

"_The mind churns."_

"_The heart yearns."_

"_The heart yearns," _Jesse echoed just as he had before and softly, Rachel sang with him and let her emotions pour out through her words. "_The tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I'm gone cause I die..."_

"_Without you."_

"_Without you."_

And finally, their voices met again, both looking to the other as "_Without you,"_ left their lips before they crashed into one another.

**Okay, so there is a reason this is epically long. Lauren and I were baffled on where to stop it so we decided that this one REALLY long chapter would help propel us forward and get us into the meat of our story :D Hope you liked it! REVIEW.**


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